Argh

Ok, maybe I won't repurpose this blog into a snarky hip commentary on the life of a single woman. Maybe I'll just wail about my lot instead.

There is something deeply fucked up about the fact that the single guys are merely 'alright', but he married ones get me all hot and bothered. Especially after I promised myself I wouldn't.

Repeat after me: It's not worth it. It's not worth it. It's not worth it.

Feck.

It ended

Whilst you all weren't looking, it ended. I have been writing to this blog, but not publishing to it, because I just felt too damn vulnerable. Now it's all over. He has gone his way, I have gone mine, and this blog is going to be repurposed.

Instead of a heartfelt relationship-stress coping mechanism, this blog will henceforth document the search for a new man.

Maybe.

Or I might just get snarky about them. We'll have to wait and see.

Eeeaaaarrrrrgghhhhhh

Long time, no see. Made worse by me being away and him being away and then me going away again this weekend. I'm used to hours and hours of contact each day, and now I'm lucky to get maybe a few moments and some days there is no contact at all. It's killing me, I hate it. It's awful to be this far apart for this long. It's been four and a half weeks since I saw him last, and it's far, far too long for me.

Maybe the whole situation is exacerbated by the fact that the last few weeks have been very busy and stressful for both of us, for different reasons, so I've wound up feeling very needy and clingy. I don't like feeling needy and clingy - that's not what I'm usually like. Usually I'm independent and self-reliant, but I find myself feeling quite the opposite at the moment. I wait for the smallest word from him, and I worry that maybe my feelings exceed his. I've no reason for this, no hints or clues or anything. No basis at all. It's just paranoia brought on by limerance.

Of course, the moment he does come online, all my fears evaporate. I'm smiling again, happy, able to deal with anything and everything. All is right with the world.

*sigh*

I got it bad, eh?

Found

I see from my counter that I've been found. Hm. Odd feeling. I mean yes, don't publish a blog you don't want people to read, but still... feels odd to have anyone visiting here. Luckily, the vast majority of people are visiting for less than 5 seconds - that's just enough time to look at the content and go 'oh, what self-indulgent crap' and leave.

That's good. This is supposed to be self-indulgent. Anonymous therapy. Getting all my feelings out before they start to fester. Do I care if I have no readers? No. Not at all.

V-day today. I sent a card but, from his reaction on IM, I'm guessing he didn't. For some reason, it doesn't bother me. I feel like it should bother me, but it doesn't. I've always said that V-day is blown out of all proportion, just like Mother's Day, so I guess it would be rather hypocritical of me to change my mind now and start thinking it's in any way important, just because my circumstances have changed.

I am peeved that vidchat is conspiring against us today and not working, though. Pfft.

Co-presence

Me and the boyf spend some time this evening on vidchat, watching TV together. I had the DVD of one of our favourite TV shows playing synced to the sound of it playing through vidchat. It was kinda cool, hearing the sound through my headset with all the dropouts and fuzziness and other background noise that that entails, whilst watching the DVD in all it's crisp clearness, and seeing on vidchat his smiles and laughter. Lovely.

That's one of the wonderful things about vidchat - it lets us just hang out. No need to have a big, meaningful conversation (although sometimes we do), no need to type anything (although sometimes we do). We can just sit and chill and do whatever and yet, when I glance up, there he is. It's as close to being in the same room as one can get when there's several thousand miles in the way.

Us being able to do this in my evening is very unusual because for various reasons the software we use doesn't work all the time. Usually we chat first thing in my morning. Sometimes the software stays online til mid-afternoon so I can watch him sleep, which is just the most adorable thing - a big jumble of duvet with the occasional foot protruding.

I am pretty sure that things would be much harder for the boyf and me without vidchat. Getting the chance to soak up all that body language, not to mention the opportunity to drool over him, does me the world of good.

Mmmm vidchat

Double treat this morning. Yesterday's absence prompted two lovely dreams about my boyfriend last night. It's not the same as actually being there with him, but for a short while at least it seemed as if I was. My dreams are usually very vivid and realistic, and these were no exception. I woke up feeling happy and that mood was only slightly dented by realising that they were dreams and not reality.

All was restored, though, but a brief vidchat before the other half took to his bed. Hopefully the vid link will stay on until he wakes up again in about six hours time, but we never can tell. The internet is a fickle mistress.

Incommunicado not good

Haven't seen the boyfriend online all day. Rather, I see that he is online but he's not active, and hasn't responded to any of my pings, which makes me sad. See, this is what I meant. I know he's probably busying doing essential stuff and that I understand, but I hate not at least having a brief chat so that I know he's not going to be around. As it is, I sit and wait, and curse myself for waiting because that's just crap behaviour. Maybe he'll pop on before I go to sleep. If not, I think it will be the first day in two and a half months that we haven't exchanged even a few words.

Conflation

Some good news. The boyfriend got the job he'd applied for! Yay! This means two things - he has to move right across the country before the end of the month, and finally we will have a place to be together that's not a hotel or someone's front room. It's very exciting. The next few weeks are going to be really hard, I think, and not just on him. Whilst he's busy getting everything packed, finding somewhere to live, finding a car to buy and driving down there, I am going to be sitting here, getting stressed because I am broke and wondering when I am going to be able to see him next.

We vidchatted the other day for the first time in ages, and it was so wonderful to see him again, to hear his voice, see his smile. It's a given that I miss him, but I do.

Had an Ikea catalogue through the door today. Only one of their slim, give-away jobbies, but still. I quite like Ikea style even if I don't like the shoddiness with which some of their stuff is made, or with 'bulk-buy' feeling I get from it sometimes. But flicking through it, my nesting instincts are awakened and for the first time in my life I am thinking not 'it'll never happen', but 'maybe one day soon'.

My head is full of wondering what it'll be like to go and stay with him in his new place, in territory that, whilst is mainly his is at least partly ours. It's exciting: a glimpse into the life I'd like to lead with him and a step towards making that become reality. Of course, I still have to earn some decent money and find some clients over there, but it will all come together. I will make sure it does.